And this table (which I clean off approximately 2,345 times a week or tell someone to clean off about 967 times a day):

You didn’t see it, did you? Mr MIP put a cute little bug in my wreath and it’s been there for the last month or so.

Classy.

Here’s the first one:

1. You’re at a four-way stop and all the cars arrive at pretty much the same time; who gets to go first? And, in which direction does it then move – A goes, then the person to the right or to the left?

If you want to super analyze it…. is it A – because she’s me and she’s sad and confused about when to go? or B – because she’s a ditzy teenager who is texting, C – cuz if you don’t let him go first, you’re dead? or D – because he’s jabbering with his co-car peeps?

What about this one:

2. You are at a four-way stop and you’re going to go straight. The person in the lane next to you is turning left – can you both leave at the same time? Or do you have to wait…left-turning person goes, then you go?

1. The lady next to me is humming and singing along with her iPod and I can hear it through my earphones! She’s hunched over. Slowly pushing on that elliptical, singing every fifth word out loud, humming the rest. AAAAAAAHHHHH. I really want to slap her.

2. Ouch.

3. The man next to me is reading the Wall Street Journal on the elliptical. Which is totally irritating because in order to do this, he has to hunch himself over and he’s really not working that hard. So I quit, because I’m annoyed at his level of exertion. (Yes, I understand the irony in this.)

4. I can see SuperBoy smooshing his face on the glass of the big gym where the kids are playing.

5. Fifty-five minutes of working out is almost exactly one hour of working out.

6. Wow. She’s fast. I’m not. I quit.

7. Everybody Loves Raymond is done and now there’s nothing good on the tv.

8. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. (See Ecclesiastes.)

9. Wow. Didn’t know I had that muscle. Ouch.

10. I’m _______. Fill in the blank with: hungry, thirsty, tired, sweaty, cold, lonely, cute enough already (JOKE alert), bored…

I should probably write this out as well. How about you?

Let’s review:

That’s the temp outside yesterday – and so far today. What I’m now wondering is how we came about owning such an overachieving thermometer – -60? 120? Where? When? Is that possible? (Update: I’ve been thinking… maybe he is just a very very nice thermometer – reminding me that it’s never as bad as it could be.)

Anyway, what did I do for you, my friends? I did laundry. Because I thought, hm, if I do all the loads of laundry that are waiting for me, I could potentially raise the outside temp one degree with the dryer exhaust.

That’s right, I saved you from -21 degrees. You’re welcome.

Stay warm.

(My warm cat. Tempo Cat-erina.)

They could at least have some sort of light that comes on when the sink’s out of order, so you’re not standing there waving furiously for nothing. My kids have had a fear of self-flushing toilets their whole lives. Those poor little two-year old bottoms would trigger the toilet sensor too early and they would literally scream as the toilet roared to life. I’m lucky I haven’t lost a kid down the toilet (to date). And then the sinks…their hands are smaller, and kids can barely reach the sink, so they are incessantly waving in front of the faucet and it hardly ever comes on for them. Then we turn to the paper towel dispenser…it’s like some sort of prayer object lesson: “The answer could be yes, no or wait!”

Oh, for the good ol’ days. (And don’t even tell me if you don’t wash your hands after using the restroom. I will not ever ever be your friend again.)

NB: By the way, the song playing today is one of my top favorite songs of all time. I thought it kinda went along with the whole waiting for answers to prayer comment.

1. Strangely enough, I rarely smelled my kids’ poopy diapers. I had no problem changing them, didn’t have to leave the room, could ignore it for quite some time, actually. (I can smell other people’s kids, though. Ick.) While everyone else was clearing the room and covering up their noses, I was like, “Hm? What? Dirty diaper?” Lesson: Bad things that happen in life will affect people differently. React to bad things the way you will, don’t let others’ reactions bother you. And be patient with others and their reactions.

2. Poop attracts help. One of the worst poo moments was when my middle child was a baby and her diaper, and all that was in it, exploded at the Omaha Zoo. I had to buy her an outfit from the zoo gift shop, and was changing her and basically giving her a bath in the bathroom sink. By the time I was done, there were three older ladies helping me clean her up, telling me stories of when their kids had messy diapers and giving me pats on the back as encouragement. At first I was embarrassed that they were helping with the poop bomb, but then I told myself to lighten up and I took their help and had a great time in the bathroom of the Omaha Zoo with three grandma helpers. Lesson: Let others help you when poop explodes. Let their life lessons encourage you.

3. I used to try to do my treadmill at home when SuperBoy was little. He was crawling around playing in the basement (on the other side of the room from where the treadmill was). But, no joke, the sound of the treadmill must have triggered something in him to make the diaper fill. So my workouts never got done because I’d stop to change the poop and then never get back on track again. I even blogged about one instance here. SuperBoy’s out of diapers now, but you know what else? I finally joined a gym. This way, when I am working out, I am working out. I am not worried about the poop. Lesson: It’s okay to give yourself a break and relax. The poop will still be there when you’re done. Take a break and breathe.

4. My last lesson today about poop is this: There is never any way to always be prepared for poop. No matter how much of a good, prepared mother I tried to be, there was always a point where I’d be standing there with a naked baby yelling for “Somebody bring me the diaper wipes!” or we’d be out somewhere and the diaper bag wouldn’t have the extra outfit in it. Lesson: You will never be prepared for the poo in life. Bad things are expert at surprising you. There ain’t nothing you can do about it.

Take the good with the bad. Clean up the poop and be strong. It’s worth it.

The guy said in relation to working out: Bring the body and the mind will follow.

I don’t know if I agree! On the one hand, yes, get your physical body to exercise or eat right and, yes, there will be positive benefits that hopefully your mind can then click into. On the other hand, I cannot get my physical body out of bed and to the gym unless my mind does its magical insipiration.

Move on to other topics besides working out/eating healthy… what about getting to church? What about getting to the grocery store? What about staying faithful to your spouse? What about not getting angry with your child?

I’m stuck. What do you think?

So we didn’t go in. But as we drove away, I put down my window and put my finger up to my lips and yell-spered “SHHHHHH!!” at the librarians.

Okay, that last part was a lie. I’m too passive-aggressive to do that. But wouldn’t that have been funny? Oh, and “yell-sper?” that’s when you yell as loudly as you can without raising your voice above a whisper. Moms are pros at this, as in, “Get over here RIGHT NOW.” Or, just think of Jack Bauer in 24 – he yell-spers everything.